50 examples of bids for connection

Verbal bids

Each of these is a bid. The turning-toward response is in brackets.

1. "Look at this." [Look at it.]
2. "You'll never guess what happened today." [Ask what.]
3. "Do you remember that place we went?" [Remember it with them.]
4. "I had the weirdest dream." [Ask about it.]
5. "Is it cold in here?" [Answer, and check if they're cold.]
6. "What do you think about this?" [Give a real opinion.]
7. "I'm exhausted." [Ask about the day, don't problem-solve.]
8. "Did you see the news about—" [Engage with the topic.]
9. "I've been thinking about..." [Ask them to go on.]
10. "Do I look okay?" [Actually look.]
11. "Guess who I ran into." [Guess.]
12. "This song reminds me of you." [Ask why.]
13. "Can you help me with this?" [Help, or say when you can.]
14. "I don't know what to do about work." [Ask, before advising.]
15. "Are you busy?" [Say honestly, and offer a time.]
16. "I miss my sister." [Ask about her.]
17. "What should we do this weekend?" [Have an opinion.]
18. "Remember when we used to..." [Go there with them.]
19. "I read something you'd like." [Ask to see it.]
20. "Ugh, this thing won't work." [Offer to look.]

Nonverbal bids

21. Sighing loudly nearby. [Ask what's up.]
22. Leaving a door open while getting ready. [Go in and talk.]
23. Sitting down next to you rather than across the room. [Put the phone down.]
24. Laughing at something on a screen. [Ask what.]
25. Lingering in the kitchen while you cook. [Talk, or hand them a job.]
26. Turning the TV volume down. [Look up.]
27. Making two cups of tea. [Notice out loud.]
28. Standing in the doorway saying nothing. [Ask.]
29. Showing you their phone screen. [Look properly.]
30. Starting a task near where you are. [Join in.]
31. Getting the good glasses out. [Comment on it.]
32. Putting a record on. [Listen with them.]
33. Reorganising something in front of you. [Ask about it.]
34. Coming to bed at the same time as you. [Stay awake five minutes.]
35. Leaving the newspaper open at an article. [Read it.]

Physical bids

36. A hand on your shoulder in passing. [Reach back.]
37. Sitting close enough that your legs touch. [Don't shift away.]
38. A hug that lasts a second longer. [Stay in it.]
39. Reaching for your hand in the car. [Take it.]
40. Leaning against you on the sofa. [Put an arm around them.]
41. Bringing you a blanket. [Say thank you and mean it.]
42. A kiss on the back of the head. [Turn around.]
43. Nudging your foot under the table. [Nudge back.]
44. Standing behind you while you do something. [Lean back into them.]
45. Holding a door and waiting. [Meet their eye.]

Bids that don't look like bids

These are the ones that get missed, because they arrive as complaints or logistics.

46. "You never listen to me." [The bid underneath is listen to me now.]
47. "It doesn't matter, forget it." [It matters. Ask again, gently.]
48. "Did you take the bins out?" [Sometimes a chore question; sometimes an opening.]
49. "You're always on your phone." [A bid for attention, delivered as criticism.]
50. "I'm fine." [Occasionally true. Often a bid with the volume turned down.]

Why turning toward matters more than grand gestures

Because of the volume. The Institute reports that in one observational study, happier couples made roughly 100 bids in ten minutes at dinner, against 65 for couples who were struggling. Bids are constant and small, which means the arithmetic of a relationship is mostly made of these moments rather than the memorable ones.

The Institute also describes a "magic ratio" of five positive interactions to every negative one during conflict, and around 20:1 outside of conflict. Worth noting that page cites no study name, sample size or year for the ratio — so treat it as the Institute's reported finding rather than a settled effect size.