How do you stop having the same argument over and over?

First, work out which kind you have

Ask: if we made a decision tonight, would this be finished?

Solvable arguments end with a decision. Who handles the car insurance. Whether we go to your parents at Christmas. What time we leave. They recur only because nobody actually decided — the conversation happened, and no one wrote anything down or committed to anything.

Perpetual arguments don't end with a decision, because the disagreement is about who the two of you are. One needs more social time than the other. One runs early, one runs late. One wants to talk problems through immediately, one needs an hour alone first. You can decide what to do on Saturday; you cannot decide to want the same amount of company.

For solvable ones: decide, and write it down

The fix is unglamorous. Have the conversation once, reach an actual decision, and record it somewhere you both see. Most "recurring" solvable arguments are two people remembering a previous conversation differently, in good faith.

For perpetual ones: change the goal

If it isn't going to be resolved, the aim is a version of the conversation you can both survive and return to. What that looks like in practice:

• Say out loud that it's the recurring one. "This is the thing we don't agree on, isn't it." Naming it drops the temperature immediately, because it stops both of you trying to win.
• Ask what's underneath it rather than relitigating the surface. The dishwasher argument is rarely about the dishwasher. What does each of you need that the other isn't providing?
• Look for the temporary arrangement, not the settlement. Not "we've resolved this" but "here's what we'll try for the next month."
• Notice when it's getting worse rather than just recurring. Recurring is normal. Escalating — more contempt, more withdrawal each time — is the signal worth acting on.

The thing that actually predicts damage

Not whether you disagree. How you disagree. The Gottman Institute describes four patterns it calls the Four Horsemen — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — and describes contempt, meaning disrespect, sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling and eye-rolling, as the single greatest predictor of divorce.

A perpetual disagreement conducted with respect can run for decades without harm. The same disagreement conducted with contempt corrodes. If your recurring argument has acquired an eye-roll, that is the thing to address — not the subject.

The suggested antidotes: describe your own feeling and a positive need instead of attacking character; take responsibility for a part of it rather than defending; build a culture of appreciation against contempt; and when you're overwhelmed, take a real break and come back rather than shutting down mid-conversation.

Six questions for the next time it comes up

1. Is this the recurring one?
2. Is there actually a decision available here, or are we different about this?
3. What do you need that you're not getting?
4. What am I doing that makes this harder than it needs to be?
5. What could we try for a month?
6. Is this getting worse, or is it just familiar?

Question six is the important one. Familiar is fine. Worse is worth taking seriously, and worth taking to a couples therapist before it hardens.